I drive by two streets a day with your last name
- me: i'm sorry, it's just it's been a bad day
- me: of a tough week
- me: of a bad month
- me: of a terrible year
- me: of a dreadful existence
You run in life like we’re running through
Hell’s widest body of water,
The soles of your bare feet are
Gathering gravel and broken glass
And yet you move like a soldier,
You walk light-footed and elegantly.
I admire you mostly because
As ethereal as you are to other men
And as grown a woman to other women,
I know you’re a baby girl inside crying
Because she lost her favorite hair pin.
It sounds rather dangerous to make love and
Play gods of our own world, practically suicide.
Love me to death or not, I say.
While I’m untying knots, make sure
You don’t fall in love with me.
Waking in the morning,
Closing our eyes at dusk,
These things take time to
You’re so dangerous for me
And I for you.
Journal Entry 5-17-13
Been taking my medicine consistently, i.e Zac remembered something. That’s a good sign. Unfortunately..
I’m in a constant paralytic state of melancholy. It’s transparent. It’s there but I can hardly touch it if I try. I feel so dead to myself and the world.
I’m worried about my future, about graduating college in 4 months and being out on my own. I’m lost as to how my dreams could come true. I’m doing my best to be happy. I’m without options here, I don’t have cream from my coffee and all I have for food is turkey burgers and spaghetti.
I’m not miserable or anything. I’m actually virtually thoughtless most of the time I’m in school or talking to people, like they’re not even there, nor am I.
If I were to talk to anyone about the way I’m feeling I wouldn’t expect anyone to have something to say; who could? What could you possibly say to a manic that shifts frequently in and out of existence, from the depths of catacombs in buried sand to the upper edges of the atmosphere, where I’m so high on my body’s own chemicals that I can do anything.
It’s my own problem to deal with and I don’t say that purely from the stance that bothering others isn’t my business. I say that because it’s internal, it’s me, it’s my head, it’s my life, it’s my madness.
Guess I should feel lucky, because I’m not without. I own madness.
Stuff of Dreams
I slip into my shoe and forget about,
With lost widgets and pocket lint
In the same pants every day,
The stuff of dreams.
I cough at and rearrange in my mouth,
Swallowing a second time
More bitter than the first,
The stuff of dreams.
A handkerchief I loved and
Left in the rain, garbage I
Actually miss but remove from me,
The stuff of dreams.
You will not haunt me.
It’ll all look like a fluke
That I fell for you.
Yes, I’d rather die
Than watch you parade with my
Love as a favor.
Everywhere you go is a place I will
Have seen eventually.
We decided to share a pair of eyes
That could exchange sights
In the short process of
Before we made this regular
We would walk by each other
And I’d feel you stealing a
Memory from me
With a glance,
Like you made food
From my thoughts.
You knew why I was hurting
Or Beaming and more
Astonishingly, you knew that
I approached you, this knowing,
And asked if I could do the same
With you, and since then
A lot has been shared
That talking about could
Never elegantly depict,
And though you’re gone
I still see through your eyes.
Did you forget, or are you
Just trying to torture me?
the butterfly was an incident of
the worm’s own isolation, it was good
for her; she wasn’t busy finding love
outside herself so she found it within.
that is the product of a healthy love
and that is just what she could do alone.
I couldn’t hear the
Sound of or run to the waves
Without getting lost
What disturbs me is not that
The world and people I know
Make me miserable or angry,
It’s that they don’t, and they should.
In such youth I posses I should
Be building and renovating but
I feel most like the cold and broken
Mansion down the street that
The witch used to live in.
A cage is a cage even when there are no bars
my existence is a wildfire,
so much power and such great potential,
but untamed, nomadic and in dire
need of someone to control me with force.